Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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