puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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