k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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