were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
