We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
