Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
