3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
