If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
