there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
