I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
