So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
