he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
