i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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