i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
