did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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