well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
