I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
