I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
