Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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