next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
