Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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