just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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