People with herpes should wear stickers.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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