please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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