you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
