I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
