I looked at my own cervix.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
