Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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