true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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