The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
