I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
