Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
