yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
