just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The air was thick with penises
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
