sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
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