You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
