I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
