I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
