You can't special order awesome
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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