Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
