I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
