I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
