i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
