The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
