Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
