sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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