OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
