So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
