Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
