going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
