I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
