ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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