He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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