I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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