I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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