I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
