im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize