its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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