I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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