Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
