I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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